So the first thing I wanna point out...Im naked. I just peeled off all my sweaty clothes after getting back home from another exciting baltimore bike ride, and thinking back I imagine things could have been ten times worse and more exciting to write about. I could have either been locked up in central bookings or in the hospital but apparently I played my cards right, so Im home safe and able to give you a half assed story about why Im better off working fridays nights.
Joe Squared was hosting a "mustache and miniskirts" party, so after getting on my bike I decided to meet up with some friends and also to meet up with partners in crime..Sam and Shane. I get there and shoot the shit but its so fucking crowded and there isnt nearly enough mini skirts to make me wanna stay and besides, all the chicks had mustaches drawn on with sharpie and it was a little more creepy than anything. So we all gather, and plan the next stop, Midtown Yacht Club to visit some more friends. I mean, it used to be a good spot but now it just plain sucks. We all drink a beer and state our next action which is Idle Hour in locus point. This bar rules, it might even be the only good thing in south baltimore. We head down to St Paul st which I said from the start "the road is a death trap." The last time I rode my bike down that road I almost got nailed by a giant pick up, I took a hard turn left and bottom out my pedal and some how stayed on my bike, luckily the truck saw Matt and used good judgement and stopped otherwise matt would have been nailed. The time before that I rode down St Paul, I was crossing Center st and looking left at the one way, when in fact the traffic was comming from the OTHER direction, so when I looked right theres a car comming right at me. The car scrapped my handle bar knocking me off my bike. Everything was good but that shit will fuck up the rest of the night.
So here is it, going down St Paul when Im in the left side against the median with Sam and Shane in the right lane, some fucking red corolla comes in honking. We all split as wide as we can get and the dumb motherfucker was trying to run us down, he comes flying in and pushed me up against the curb (which is awful for a fixie because I can stop pedaling) and my pedal hits the curb and my foot pops out. I thought for sure Im going to wreck but it was nice to know there was grass to my left. So I ride one footed for a minute and get my shit together and keep rolling. I was pissed. So I get up to the dude at a light and kinda scope him out before I knock his mirror off. I spit at his winshield but it hit his hood. He was so in to his phone conversation he didnt even glance at me, so I figured when I get up to him his mirror is as good as gone. With my 5.5lb U lock in hand i roll up to him at the next light only to just miss him as he makes a quick left. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!. Oh well I was probably better off with out that bullshit.
We get down to Pratt st and blow though while the lights still red ( were rollin up light st). We just missed the green because here comes like 40 headlights at me and Im stuck in the middle of the road. Sam and Shane are I dunno, but my goal was to get all the way left because of the Conway intersection. Well i was stuck in the middle of the road so I rode on the white line as fast as I could. I look to my left and some kids piled in a white jetta scream "GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE ROAD." Probably a dumb idea for comming up on a red light, so naturally I got my heavy ass U lock out and rode up to the jetta. I got up to it and gave him a love tap, like a warning and knocked it on the passanger side window. The guy in the passanger seat looked at me like he shit him self, I must have got him by surprise which is pretty funny because I stared him down good. After blowing through that red I watched out incase they might try to run me down when they got the green. I stayed in the right lane looking for possible exits and watching for the white jetta. I didnt see him, they must have took off really slow but when i looked back they were creepin up either to prepare to come after me, or because they were scared for their car. I dunno, but when I saw them far back maybe getting over in my lane I quickly pulled on the sidewalk and grabbed the mace out of my bag, I wasnt putting up with 5 dudes if they had jumped out for me. I looked back and the car honked and flicked off Sam. I got back on the street and the jetta was up the way turning before we got to the light which we were headed straight. For the second time and not long after the first time I was fired up. I basically wasnt going to tolerate anymore shit before we got to Idle Hour.
Luckily there were plenty of ladies outside the bars on Light st. I usually just yell "I love you" and the girls yell back "I love you more." It puts me back in a friendly mood and I can leave the other bullshit behind. Most of the time, smoking crowds in front of bars always cheer and it makes for a really good time. Anyway, we make it up to Idle Hour and get a round and sit and talk. The music playing was some cool soul jazz type shit which I'm always down with. The new art show in there is full of some awesome oil paintings, they're hard NOT to check out! Im already sick of writing this....
We shoot down to Dego Dames for a beer, in Little Italy. Riding down Pratt stupid cops were on horses in the bike lanes so I was careful to watch out for horse shit. We get to Dames, kick it, then shoot across the street to Lemongrass and visit some old coworkers. We get there for last call and sit at the bar next to some crackhead guy who was talking Sam's ear off. I couldnt make any sense of what he was running his trap about but I could have swore I heard him making gay comments as well as straight ones, so maybe you can feel what im getting at. Our next plan is to get a pizza, Shane leads us to the spot next to Nacho Mammas in Canton. Theres like 20 people out side because all the bars had just let out. It was exactly the place I DID NOT want to be on a friday night. Shane runs in and gets a pizza and pays for it in a matter of seconds. Its almost as if he just stole someone else, I still dont know how he got it that fast.
Im standing there trying to send a text message and apparently Shane goes to ride off the curb. This chick just spent like 15 minutes trying to put her redneck ass boyfriend in the car since hes completely hammered. She goes to back up when she had 5 feet in front of her to pull out and Shane makes a smart ass comment like "you didnt need to fucking back up!" She stops the car and her and her man are looking at me saying shit. I look at them asking what the hell I didnt say anything. After some bickering I just accept it and they start to leave. Just as they leave Sam says something. Meanwhile theres still a bunch of people around, and if shit breaks out then were ALL getting locked up, no matter who started what. I was NOT up for this! So they stop and the dude jumps out of the car. Hes shorter than me, shaved head, looked like a meat head that tried to make him self appear to be buff, although he did look like a scrapper. I pull out my U lock in my left hand, and hold it back. He keeps looking at me all crazy even though Im not the one talking to him. His trashy girlfriend gets out trying to get him back in the car, WHILE instigating us to talk shit. She was trying to be civil, as was I and I could tell she was frustrated, but she kept looking at me like I was the culprit when all I kept saying was " Im gonna walk away." So nothing good was comming out of this. I figured FUCK IT this asshole has me locked as his target NO THANKS TO SHANE AND SAM hahaha, and I grab my mace out of my back pocket with my right hand. I keep my hand behind my back so Ive got mace in one hand and my lock in the other. I was seconds away from spraying the motherfucker just to get him to calm the fuck down. I throught about it and realized that if I spray him then most of the people standing around are going to get it. Being 5 miles on a bike from home, I wasnt in any mood to limp home if some shit went down. I finally just walk away with my guard up. I went to the corner and watched. I sat my bike against the wall and watched. I guess they didnt want shit to do with Sam and Shane so they rolled out. Just then one of them called her an OLD LADY (which was funny as hell) and they stopped in the road and jumped out of the car. We had already rolled down a side street but I could hear them both yelling. Cars were all stopped up and honking but I was waiting for them to roll around and look for us. I wish I had remembered the tag because I should have called saying they were drunk driving and had a gun in the car.
We just went to the Ghetto Drome and ate some pizza, talked rode in circles. On the way home we stopped at the lyric ledge and chilled and ate some candy. Sam has a grind plate on his chain ring and grinds on the ledges. Its pretty rad.
Yeah that story sucked I know. I wrote it that night, and finished it 3 days later. Brians in town tonight, and were all goin riding. Something is bound to happen tonight. Ill bring a camera.